is allen even anywhere for me to find?

its sunday, and im wondering if i can see you today :/

allen is coming home tomorrow night :D yAY!!!! AHHH took me hella days to realize that you were going home tomorrow. hahaha i think it was the "finals" and then friday before next week... yeah :D im so slow.

did you get any? :P

doot doot.

i got rejected from davis allen. im fucking screwed. no one wants me anymore

rejected from ucla too! weee

REJECTED FROM SLO. BLAH.

watch me get rejected from all the other UCs ...

damn straight :D

only for you

do you wonder what would happened if i met you a few years earlier? get the privileage of meeting you? if i did i would be selfish and keep you to myself. lol ... if i did and knew how to drive, i would come over daily just to be there with you. :]

i'm sorry i didn't say anything when you were talking to me on the phone. thats the bad thing about me being with you. im always kind of speechless when you do your "thoughtful" talk or something like that. i just like to listen to you talk and later gather my thoughts & feelings.

honestly allen, if are situation was different. i would be coming back to you in an instance. i can't let you go. i don't want to let you go, so maybe having you a friend is the best thing for now. but its a great thing. if i were to go to irvine, would you give me a second chance? in that scenario there would be more of a future, i think? since you don't live on feelings but on the future.

i'm dissapointed in myself for giving in so easily with yiming. i dont know. i stopped him a few times and then i was like "its my undie color, what harm could it do?" but considering the fact i only known him for .. a week max. it places me in a "whore" or "slut" state. i dont know what has become of me. it isn't you allen. i guess im desperate. not for having sex or anything just for the attention i guess. its horrible. i need to stop and just think about if i like this guy or not. i am interested in him because he's so intelligent and i can learn so much from him. just like you allen, you teach me so much and is so open with me ... its like the best security i can get from anyone.

you gotta stop thinking that you take advantage at me. i mean of course that word came by my head but it wans't something i associated with you. you don't. you just happen to give me what i want. and i sometimes give you what you want. fair deal. more or less. you didnt corrupt me that much. just made me open with things. i was a case with box up feelings and you opened it. thats all :] haha.

i still kept all your txt message from when we were going out. sometimes i even read our old entries just bring tears. *shrug i bring this upon myself.

i miss you allen. i love you too. the love i have for you feels like unconditional love. for someone who means so much to you, you do you get it? i dont know if you feel the same or anything, and well nothing you say can hurt or bring me down. its just good knowing you're open to me sweetie.

i love you hubby.

oh yea, i dont care if we dont don't do those "other" stuff on webcam or even the other stuff when we see eachother. just as long as i can see your face on webcam, or even get to hug you & hold you tight to me when i see you is more then i can ask from you. being with you just brings so much happiness to my life.