dear allen,

i know you wont be talking to me for awhile, going by your definition of break. but i'll just blog here anyhow. id wish i was better at expressing what i feel onto words but i sadly enough do not posess that talen or the patience to even sit here and figure out all the words i've been trying to get out of myself for so long.

im sorry allen for not being so decisive about everything. the only reason i can think of for that is because im still living on the fact of "eventually" "we will be" "next year" relying on words that come in the future. err does that make sense? i just have a feeling that no matter what happen, i know i'll come to you in the end allen. that probably makes you fee like you're just as back up. but you aren't. i know all the decision i make now with anyone else i'll regret and come to you. the past school year all showed me that. although i knew in my heart the entire time that someday i'll have you for sure, i tried so hard to move on. and when i finally did, you and i poured our emotions out at the same time (you know the night you were drunk ..) and that just made me freeze and realize that i do want you but then i wanted him too. i wish i could blame that you on. how you left me and denying everything and leaving me there by myself trying to find scraps of memories to hold on to - of you and me. but that is totally selfish because i know you tried to for a good reason. i guess the timing was just really off. im just mad at myself for doing this. i got what i wanted - you - but i also got something else i been wanting. someone who didnt want to leave me at no cost because allen he was there for me still even with the emotions he knew i had/have for you.

You are right, I do want another chance with him. Maybe this ties in to what Melissa said to sam and such, and I know if I did that with him, you’ll never even come close to me again. He still holds this big grudge against me for never giving him a chance, you know why? Because I was still so hung over you when me and him were going out. When the entire truth came out allen, I had a boyfriend. Obviously that wasn’t giving him a chance and hes trying so hard to get that second chance. I do want to give him a chance allen, but I don’t know if you understand the situation I am with him. *sigh.

I don’t want to ever lose you again allen. Never. I really don’t want a relationship anytime soon. I told you, after freshmen year, we can try again – that is if you still want to … but I think saying that and what I feel sometimes and the surrounding might not let it happen. But hey, im willing to give it my all, okay?

Im sorry for not seeming to give you a lot of effort into what I do for you. I know you give so much for me and im so thankful. Everything you do is thoughtful. That’s something I still need to learn, do more thoughtful things then materialistic. I never got you anything because I didn’t brainstorm enough ideas to get you anything. Im a girl, I like to buy things. Hehe but yea, janet said to do something thoughtful instead. So im going to try it.

Bah I cant write anymore. I’ll write more. I love you allen ryan tran.

Ps. Ever watch serendipity? Well you should because that’s how much faith I have in our relationship …

PSS. ill type up 2 more pages later - eventually. that whole thing was one page in microsoft. hahaha

its been a long time since i blogged here, huh? hehe. theres even a new interface? O_o wow. i've really been missing out.

just wanted to say i love you allen. yes i do.

im sorry i cant be more open on certain matters? but oh well. i cant do much about that right now.

thank you for bearing with me kae? id wish i could tell you about our future more, 'cause i do too want to know. i just know that if everything is meant to be, we'll be back together right?

fall 2003 will be a new experience for me. thank you for letting me go through by myself like you had ask me earlier.

:]